Tuesday Night…I go to Carmella’s house to hang out, and after briefly taking a call from my mom; I realize my car registration is due…by midnight. My registration, weighing in at $198 is up from $148 the previous year. YES, UP FROM THE PREVIOUS YEAR! So I get online and try to fill out the form. It calls for my license plate number, which I can’t remember, so I walk down the street to my car to write it down, then walk back, enter it in only to find out I also need the number from the renewal form they sent me in the mail. That form was is at my house. Boo!
“Try calling” said Carmella, so I pick up the phone and call. It’s an automated male-voiced system which requires you to talk. “You can say renew a license, car registration…” “Car Registration” “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your response, you can say renew a license, car registra-“ “CAR REGISTRATION!” “Okay, you can say renew registration –“ “renew registration.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your response, you can say“ “RENEW REGISTRATION.” After struggling some more with the machine I ascertain that I still need both my license plate number and the renewal notice number. Double Boo…I decided to do it later when I got home.
I fell asleep while watching teli, and woke up at 11:30 despite the alarm I set for myself. I go home, find the notice and call back. After going through the ridiculous yelling process again I enter in my debit card number. “I’m sorry, that account cannot be located.” I try again, “I’m sorry, that account cannot be located.” Umm, yeah, so I try my credit card number. “I’m sorry, that account cannot be located.” I try one more time and then it says “Phone technicians are not able to process credit cards over the phone.” “WHAT?!!” So, I pick up my computer (it is now 11:42pm) and try to go online, but it is not working so I dash out the door, desperate to make it back to Carmella’s before midnight when the bill goes up to $133. I call her on the way and she processes it for me and prints out a confirmation. Ahh, that’s what friends are for.
Now Midnight, I get home, eager to fall into my bed and go into a deep sleep. Upon entering my room I hear a familiar sound - - My neighbour playing on the guitar. He likes to play late at night, but usually stops after 20 minutes, so I decide to hang up my recently washed clothes. He continues to play and violently bang on the ground, resulting in my floor shaking to the beat. I tried knocking on the wall to no avail. I can’t make out what he’s singing, but after 20 minutes I start contemplating my options. I think about playing my guitar back and singing loudly, but abort that plan when I realize my guitar would have to be tuned first, and since I only remember a few chords, I’d have to use my chord chart cheat sheet to play anything. And since I’m so rusty, I would probably switch chords very slowly. Then I think about singing opera really loud, but abort that plan because I’m too tired to put forth the effort. It’s 12:30 and as I deliriously fuddle around my room I consider going next door to ask him to stop. I was wearing a skimpy nightie, so I didn’t want to go..(I was too tired to realize I could just put a robe on). Then I think about how the skimpy nightie might work to my advantage, he could take pity on me and stop playing. Then I think, “What if he’s an axe murderer and this is the way he lures people in.” My roommate, Ashley, was house-sitting so if I went over there and was captured no one would know what happened to me.
So…I decided to bear with it, thinking he would stop soon. At 12:40 I hear a familiar song and start singing along. “Beauty queen of only 18 she..OH WAIT!” I think to myself, “I’m supposed to be sleeping not singing along.” Then he gets to the chorus, “she will..she will…sheeee wi-, she wi-, she wil- SHE wi-, SHE will, SHE WI-, SHEEEEEE WI-“ He can’t quite get the note on “will,” but continues to try. “WI-WI-WILL…WI-…WILL…WI-WILLLLL” I am standing staring agape at the wall. “No,” I think to myself, “this can’t be happening. He can’t possibly be trying to fix this now.” I mutter vehemently towards the wall, “12: 43 is NOT the time to work on your voice..if you can’t sing it you need to try a different key or a different song.” “she will..she will…sheeee wi-, she wi-, she wil- SHE wi-, SHE will, SHE WI-, SHEEEEEE WI-“ This goes on for a little bit..with a little strumming between tries. “WILL..WILLL” Soon, he sings a different song and I begin to pray out loud, looking up at God and beseeching Him to take pity on my tired, weary, delirious soul. Thankfully, at 12:59 exactly, I hear the guitar hit the wall and then I heard water running..maybe the shower. Doesn't matter - the singing stopped and I was able to sleep in peace. Selah.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Email from Mom
Here's an email I got yesterday:
I'm going to send Arnold(too hard to take the time to spell schwarzenegger and get it right without looking it up) after you if you continue to refuse to "PAY THE BILL!"
Anyway, LAST month's Verizon is $64.00. THIS coming month, due OCTOBER 1st, is $61.00.
I know you mentioned it, but the LATE NOTICE is here.
Both Bills will be $125.00.
You working -- Pay Yo' Bills.
der mutter
I'm going to send Arnold(too hard to take the time to spell schwarzenegger and get it right without looking it up) after you if you continue to refuse to "PAY THE BILL!"
Anyway, LAST month's Verizon is $64.00. THIS coming month, due OCTOBER 1st, is $61.00.
I know you mentioned it, but the LATE NOTICE is here.
Both Bills will be $125.00.
You working -- Pay Yo' Bills.
der mutter
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Trader Joe's Woes #2 & Memories of Childhood with Dad
The scene: Friday, 12pm; Running into TJ's for some snacks to take to my beloved Getty center.
I pride myself on how quickly I can find items in the store. In fact, it's like a game to me. How quickly can I collect the items on my list? I think partly it's because I don't like shopping, so getting in and out is usually my shopping style. But, thinking about it, it goes back to when I was a teenager and my family would stop at the grocery store on the way home. My mom, brother and I would wait in the car while we sent my dad in to get a few items. This became more like a game over the years because my dad would take FOREVER to get a few items. It was a little unbelievable. Sometimes one of us kids would go in with him, but it never made it any faster.
My dad loves to shop. (I take after my mom on this, she hates to shop) He loves to walk the aisles and add random items to the cart. We would take bets in the car on how long he'd be in the store. My strategy was to multiply the number of items we would ask him to get by 5 and then add 10. I figured it took him 5 minutes to get each item and then 5 minutes to get a random item and 5 minutes in line. While sitting in the car, we would even imagine his route in the store. In our heads he never went in any logical order. He'd start by the fruit and then go all the way to the other side to get some milk and then back to the fruit side to get some salad dressing, then all the way back to get bread and then, who knows, go aisle by aisle to see if there was something new or perhaps to jog his memory. See, Dad ALWAYS forgot one item. ALWAYS. After a while we started writing the list down for him, but even then it seems he forgot something. It really was a game, and we had rules:
So anyway, that is where I get my need to be fast in stores, I'm sure of it. So I run in, get what I need at Trader Joes except for sweet potato chips, which I cannot find. I re-start my scan of the various chips. Nothing. I look around for an employee; seeing none, I scan again. Defeated, I pick up unsalted peanut-butter-filled pretzels(Later proved to be nasty) and head for a short line.
The guy starts to scan my items and I ask "Do you carry sweet potato chips here?"
The woman who was in front of me, who was putting her receipt away says with a very loud voice, "Yes they do!"
The cashier looks unsure.
"Hmm," I say to the cashier, "I didn't see them, where are they?"
"Over.." he's interrupted by the woman.
"They're just down the aisle. Look, that way," she points. "You just go straight down and over and it's on the left hand side with all the chips!"
"Yeah," says the cashier.
"I looked there," I say to them both. "They weren't there."
"I know they have them!" yells the woman, "I saw them just the other day!"
"Yeah, I think we have them," says the cashier. I look at him thinking, 'well why don't you go get them.' But, as I like to get in and out of stores, I let it go. I do, however look at the man in line behind me for support.
"It's fine.." I say.
"No, I know they have them!" Says the woman, who has just been standing there waiting for me to abandon my items to go back and get the chips.
"Hey guys!" says the cashier to 3 employees standing idly by. "Do we sell sweet potato chips?"
2 of the workers look puzzled. One, wearing a different coloured shirt and looks like a manager, says emphatically, "No."
"Oh" say the cashier and the woman, pretty much at the same time.
"But you had some the other day!" says the woman.
"I'm fine, I'm just getting this." I say to the cashier and swipe my card. He's not paying attention to me so I say it again, louder.
"I'm just getting this."
I get cash back and thankfully this time there are no problems with the cash drawer. After initialing my receipt I turn to leave and the woman is still talking to the manager, insisting on the existence of sweet potato chips in this store. I walk past her and she follows me telling me how hooked she is on Trader Joe's and how she comes twice a week.
"Ah," I say. "I usually go to another location....well, have a good day."
I head to my car and laugh as soon I shut the door. I laugh and I laugh!
I pride myself on how quickly I can find items in the store. In fact, it's like a game to me. How quickly can I collect the items on my list? I think partly it's because I don't like shopping, so getting in and out is usually my shopping style. But, thinking about it, it goes back to when I was a teenager and my family would stop at the grocery store on the way home. My mom, brother and I would wait in the car while we sent my dad in to get a few items. This became more like a game over the years because my dad would take FOREVER to get a few items. It was a little unbelievable. Sometimes one of us kids would go in with him, but it never made it any faster.
My dad loves to shop. (I take after my mom on this, she hates to shop) He loves to walk the aisles and add random items to the cart. We would take bets in the car on how long he'd be in the store. My strategy was to multiply the number of items we would ask him to get by 5 and then add 10. I figured it took him 5 minutes to get each item and then 5 minutes to get a random item and 5 minutes in line. While sitting in the car, we would even imagine his route in the store. In our heads he never went in any logical order. He'd start by the fruit and then go all the way to the other side to get some milk and then back to the fruit side to get some salad dressing, then all the way back to get bread and then, who knows, go aisle by aisle to see if there was something new or perhaps to jog his memory. See, Dad ALWAYS forgot one item. ALWAYS. After a while we started writing the list down for him, but even then it seems he forgot something. It really was a game, and we had rules:
1. "Send Dad into the store" always had to be late at night, usually when we all were slightly tired, but going to go home and watch a movie, play a game, or do something as a family. There had to be a sense of urgency.
2. Never give Dad more than 5 items. If we needed more than 5, one of the kids must go in with him.
3. Have him repeat the list, twice. Sometimes we would break into laughter because Dad wouldn't remember the first thing on the list. "Okay, what are you getting?" "Uhhhh...uhhhh" everyone laughs, including Dad. "Just a minute, okay...I know...uhhhh." More laughter ensues.
4. As soon as Dad walks into the store we note the time.
5. Place opening guesses on how long Dad would be in the store. If I remember correctly, my brother always had high hopes for Dad, Mom would usually say an hour and I always used my 5 minute per item method.
6. After David's (my brother's) guess was proved wrong we'd all adjust our guesses. Guesses were also reset when after 5 -10 minutes my dad would come out, empty handed because he forgot the checkbook or what he was supposed to get. This would also trigger laughter. And not just a little, I'm talkin' about uncontrollable, afraid you're going to wet your pants laughter.
7. To pass the time we'd play car games or talk about our day or sing silly songs for about 20 minutes, then we'd start whining and imagining Dad's route.
8. After 30 minutes a child was sent in to find Dad. Sometimes Dad and one of us would come out together, or sometimes we came out on our own.."(Sigh) He's going to be a while yet."
9. After 40-45 minutes we'd all pretend to be mad. "Oh come on!! What is taking him so long?" "By the time we get home we're all going to want to go to bed!"
10. The first one to spot Dad yelled "There he is!" We would announce the winner and then buckle our seat belts and prepare to hear the story of what took him so long. There was always a story.
11. We didn't inspect the bags until we got home when we would discover what was missing and what extra things dad picked up. "Oh Owen!" my mom would always exclaim, as if she didn't expect there to be unnecessary items added. Game over
So anyway, that is where I get my need to be fast in stores, I'm sure of it. So I run in, get what I need at Trader Joes except for sweet potato chips, which I cannot find. I re-start my scan of the various chips. Nothing. I look around for an employee; seeing none, I scan again. Defeated, I pick up unsalted peanut-butter-filled pretzels(Later proved to be nasty) and head for a short line.
The guy starts to scan my items and I ask "Do you carry sweet potato chips here?"
The woman who was in front of me, who was putting her receipt away says with a very loud voice, "Yes they do!"
The cashier looks unsure.
"Hmm," I say to the cashier, "I didn't see them, where are they?"
"Over.." he's interrupted by the woman.
"They're just down the aisle. Look, that way," she points. "You just go straight down and over and it's on the left hand side with all the chips!"
"Yeah," says the cashier.
"I looked there," I say to them both. "They weren't there."
"I know they have them!" yells the woman, "I saw them just the other day!"
"Yeah, I think we have them," says the cashier. I look at him thinking, 'well why don't you go get them.' But, as I like to get in and out of stores, I let it go. I do, however look at the man in line behind me for support.
"It's fine.." I say.
"No, I know they have them!" Says the woman, who has just been standing there waiting for me to abandon my items to go back and get the chips.
"Hey guys!" says the cashier to 3 employees standing idly by. "Do we sell sweet potato chips?"
2 of the workers look puzzled. One, wearing a different coloured shirt and looks like a manager, says emphatically, "No."
"Oh" say the cashier and the woman, pretty much at the same time.
"But you had some the other day!" says the woman.
"I'm fine, I'm just getting this." I say to the cashier and swipe my card. He's not paying attention to me so I say it again, louder.
"I'm just getting this."
I get cash back and thankfully this time there are no problems with the cash drawer. After initialing my receipt I turn to leave and the woman is still talking to the manager, insisting on the existence of sweet potato chips in this store. I walk past her and she follows me telling me how hooked she is on Trader Joe's and how she comes twice a week.
"Ah," I say. "I usually go to another location....well, have a good day."
I head to my car and laugh as soon I shut the door. I laugh and I laugh!
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