I pride myself on how quickly I can find items in the store. In fact, it's like a game to me. How quickly can I collect the items on my list? I think partly it's because I don't like shopping, so getting in and out is usually my shopping style. But, thinking about it, it goes back to when I was a teenager and my family would stop at the grocery store on the way home. My mom, brother and I would wait in the car while we sent my dad in to get a few items. This became more like a game over the years because my dad would take FOREVER to get a few items. It was a little unbelievable. Sometimes one of us kids would go in with him, but it never made it any faster.
My dad loves to shop. (I take after my mom on this, she hates to shop) He loves to walk the aisles and add random items to the cart. We would take bets in the car on how long he'd be in the store. My strategy was to multiply the number of items we would ask him to get by 5 and then add 10. I figured it took him 5 minutes to get each item and then 5 minutes to get a random item and 5 minutes in line. While sitting in the car, we would even imagine his route in the store. In our heads he never went in any logical order. He'd start by the fruit and then go all the way to the other side to get some milk and then back to the fruit side to get some salad dressing, then all the way back to get bread and then, who knows, go aisle by aisle to see if there was something new or perhaps to jog his memory. See, Dad ALWAYS forgot one item. ALWAYS. After a while we started writing the list down for him, but even then it seems he forgot something. It really was a game, and we had rules:
1. "Send Dad into the store" always had to be late at night, usually when we all were slightly tired, but going to go home and watch a movie, play a game, or do something as a family. There had to be a sense of urgency.
2. Never give Dad more than 5 items. If we needed more than 5, one of the kids must go in with him.
3. Have him repeat the list, twice. Sometimes we would break into laughter because Dad wouldn't remember the first thing on the list. "Okay, what are you getting?" "Uhhhh...uhhhh" everyone laughs, including Dad. "Just a minute, okay...I know...uhhhh." More laughter ensues.
4. As soon as Dad walks into the store we note the time.
5. Place opening guesses on how long Dad would be in the store. If I remember correctly, my brother always had high hopes for Dad, Mom would usually say an hour and I always used my 5 minute per item method.
6. After David's (my brother's) guess was proved wrong we'd all adjust our guesses. Guesses were also reset when after 5 -10 minutes my dad would come out, empty handed because he forgot the checkbook or what he was supposed to get. This would also trigger laughter. And not just a little, I'm talkin' about uncontrollable, afraid you're going to wet your pants laughter.
7. To pass the time we'd play car games or talk about our day or sing silly songs for about 20 minutes, then we'd start whining and imagining Dad's route.
8. After 30 minutes a child was sent in to find Dad. Sometimes Dad and one of us would come out together, or sometimes we came out on our own.."(Sigh) He's going to be a while yet."
9. After 40-45 minutes we'd all pretend to be mad. "Oh come on!! What is taking him so long?" "By the time we get home we're all going to want to go to bed!"
10. The first one to spot Dad yelled "There he is!" We would announce the winner and then buckle our seat belts and prepare to hear the story of what took him so long. There was always a story.
11. We didn't inspect the bags until we got home when we would discover what was missing and what extra things dad picked up. "Oh Owen!" my mom would always exclaim, as if she didn't expect there to be unnecessary items added. Game over
So anyway, that is where I get my need to be fast in stores, I'm sure of it. So I run in, get what I need at Trader Joes except for sweet potato chips, which I cannot find. I re-start my scan of the various chips. Nothing. I look around for an employee; seeing none, I scan again. Defeated, I pick up unsalted peanut-butter-filled pretzels(Later proved to be nasty) and head for a short line.
The guy starts to scan my items and I ask "Do you carry sweet potato chips here?"
The woman who was in front of me, who was putting her receipt away says with a very loud voice, "Yes they do!"
The cashier looks unsure.
"Hmm," I say to the cashier, "I didn't see them, where are they?"
"Over.." he's interrupted by the woman.
"They're just down the aisle. Look, that way," she points. "You just go straight down and over and it's on the left hand side with all the chips!"
"Yeah," says the cashier.
"I looked there," I say to them both. "They weren't there."
"I know they have them!" yells the woman, "I saw them just the other day!"
"Yeah, I think we have them," says the cashier. I look at him thinking, 'well why don't you go get them.' But, as I like to get in and out of stores, I let it go. I do, however look at the man in line behind me for support.
"It's fine.." I say.
"No, I know they have them!" Says the woman, who has just been standing there waiting for me to abandon my items to go back and get the chips.
"Hey guys!" says the cashier to 3 employees standing idly by. "Do we sell sweet potato chips?"
2 of the workers look puzzled. One, wearing a different coloured shirt and looks like a manager, says emphatically, "No."
"Oh" say the cashier and the woman, pretty much at the same time.
"But you had some the other day!" says the woman.
"I'm fine, I'm just getting this." I say to the cashier and swipe my card. He's not paying attention to me so I say it again, louder.
"I'm just getting this."
I get cash back and thankfully this time there are no problems with the cash drawer. After initialing my receipt I turn to leave and the woman is still talking to the manager, insisting on the existence of sweet potato chips in this store. I walk past her and she follows me telling me how hooked she is on Trader Joe's and how she comes twice a week.
"Ah," I say. "I usually go to another location....well, have a good day."
I head to my car and laugh as soon I shut the door. I laugh and I laugh!
